This year I had completely forgotten about the Oscars until our daughter texted me a pic of Timothée Chalamet’s “bold, but very good, choice” in outfits from the red carpet. I suddenly regretted getting rid of our cable, not because I needed to see Chalamet’s bold (aka shirtless) outfit, but because I loved the yearly ritual with our daughters, even if this year it would have to be via phone. After trying to figure out how to stream the Oscars, I finally gave up and told our daughter to text me the highlights of the evening. I was happy to learn Troy Kotsur, who played the father on CODA won best actor (watch it for the best tear-jerker scene ever!) and Jessica Chastain best actress for her wonderful portrayal of Tammy Faye. After our daughter sent me a pic of her favorite dress, a beautiful black sheath, worn by newcomer Rachel Zegler from West Side Story, I decided it was time to settle into bed when one final text came through with a loud PING! I couldn’t help wondering if the text was more urgent then a fabulous dress and glanced at the phone before putting it on ‘do not disturb’ mode. The text read, and then this happened. I have to admit I was intrigued, but sleep was beckoning me and I knew if I went down that rabbit hole it would cause a domino effect where I would start googling something that would lead to googling something else, that would lead to googling something else and an hour later I’d still be awake and completely wired after having educated myself on all the actors, what they wore to the Oscars, what they ate for breakfast, the weather in California, and where to plan our next vacation. I put down the phone and hoped the possibility of sleep hadn’t totally evaded me.
In the morning, after pouring a cup of coffee, I remembered the intriguing text and decided to find out what, and then this happened, meant. I clicked on a link of a video clip involving the host, Chris Rock, and Will Smith. I couldn’t quite make sense of what I was seeing. As I’d predicted, I started going down the Internet rabbit hole googling Will Smith and the Oscars, reading one opinion piece after another, until I had had my fill and wasn’t feeling particularly good about it either.
In yoga, there is a term Samana Vayu, which is the energetic force, or “winds,” governing our third chakra or solar plexus. It is charged with the task of assimilating, not only food and liquid, but also our thoughts and emotions. The Samana Vayu helps us process what we need and eliminate what we don’t need. It is our spring-cleaning system, if you will. After taking in a fair amount of information about Will Smith and the Oscars, I needed to process what I’d just read. I asked myself, “what is really happening here?” It was easy to react to the situation, kind of like Will Smith reacting to Chris Rock, but less easy to stop and digest the information. I read a thread of comments from a news source that read more like bottled-up anger, fear, sadness, frustration and confusion. I didn’t get the sense people were pausing and reflecting, “why did Will Smith react this way?” Or “was there more to the story than what we saw?” Or, perhaps, the more important question, “why do I feel this way?” What I did sense, was that people were venting stored away emotions from the past few years (or even a lifetime ago). Unfortunately, the Oscar debacle is just one more incident of how disconnected we have become, not only from ourselves, but those around us. Whether it is in ranting about the incidient, questioning if it was real or defending Will Smith.
We have all reacted poorly to a situation and regretted doing or saying something, but it isn’t always a bad thing, especially if we are willing to apologize and learn something new about ourselves. There is a Zen saying that the further you push down a floating cork the higher it will pop back up. I have seen this in myself, and on one particular occasion, this said cork just about gave me a black eye! I was having a heated argument (okay shouting match) with my husband and I blurted out a stream of hurtful comments. Instead of saying my husband’s name, I said my name and, in that instant, I knew I was talking to myself not my husband. I could’ve ignored it, hoped he hadn’t heard the mistake, but it was my chance to look at that proverbial cork and see what I was pushing down, and fortunately, it has lead to an improved relationship with myself and all those around me, especially my husband.
In the past few years, we have endured a lifetime of events. These events have challenged us physically, socially, politically, emotionally, and spiritually. As we attempt to process what has happened, or still happening, we have had the chance to take a good look at ourselves (and others). This look has caused friendships to be forged and friendships to be lost, relationships to end or relationships to begin, familial ties to strengthen or familial ties to weaken. And it would be nice to have universally agreed upon answers, something firm to hold onto or a script to use to help navigate this shaky ground, but there isn’t. However, there are ways we can ease the collective trauma we have all experienced.
Even though processing information is great, sometimes the trauma stays stuck in the body. Gabrielle Bernstein writes in her new book, Happy Days, how insidious trauma is and how often we ignore it and pretend we are okay. She explains how while we may not have experienced big trauma with a capital T, we have all experienced small trauma with a little t; being bullied, feeling humilated, ignored, losing a pet, or a friendship. If we don’t “dishcarge or resolve” the trauma it remains active and alive in our bodies, often leading to a host of physical symptoms ranging from depression and anxiety to gastrointestinal issues or back pain (and many more). Bernstein recommends several different types of healing modalities, in addition to talk therapy, such as EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, and other body-oriented practices designed to release trauma and connect us to our bodies so that we may connect more easily to those around us. And if there’s anything we all could use right now it’s a little connection. (For more information on healing modalities go to DearGabby.com/HappyResources.)
The other day my husband showed me a Tik Tok video of a couple in an improv dance competition. Unlike most dance competitions, this one involved coming up with a dance routine to a random song with a random dance partner. Take a moment to process this scenario, and imagine what this might look like (or go ahead and google it. The dance is lead and follow improv to Glass Animal’s song "gooey” @kyleswingsarah). The music starts, the couple joins hands, and as each moment unfolds they do their best to, well, connect. After my husband and I watched the video, we had tears in our eyes. There was something beautiful about two strangers coming together with different dance backgrounds doing their best to both lead and follow without disrupting the overall harmony of the dance.
I believe there is a cosmic dance we are all supposed to figure out. Every person or interaction provides us an opportunity to learn something new about ourselves. Sometimes, we learn that, hey, I’m a pretty good dancer, or other times we learn that we need to stop stepping on our partner’s toes. We’ve had a lot thrown at us over the past few years and we have been pushed to our limits, but what if we could stop pushing each other around and instead let our interactions be more about learning, taking turns, respecting each other’s choices, and having a little fun in the process? I sure would’ve preferred seeing Will Smith and Chris Rock dance it out rather than duke it out. In fact, not only would it have been more entertaining (I mean who doesn’t love dancing with the stars?), it would’ve been more effective in releasing pent up energy.
So, next time you are feeling the effects of an argument or challenging situation, process the situation in your mind, but don’t forget to process it in your body as well. Everyone is familiar with the saying Fight, Flight or Freeze, but perhaps it needs to be Fight, Flight, or Freeze…then Dance (move, shake, tremble). And then you can slap your partner…on the back, for a job well done.