Depression, Yoga, and Sunsets

I’m sitting with Carrie Riker at Starbucks. We just took a new class at 360 called Roll and Renew, where we literally rolled over yoga tune up balls to massage our achy muscles and fascia. As we sip our coffees, we marvel at the little tune up balls ability to make us feel, well, renewed. It was Carrie’s idea to meet after class. She didn’t want to miss her morning yoga. A stark difference from pre-yoga Carrie who struggled to get out of bed in the morning, due to years of anxiety and depression. She had been taking a combination of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medication, mood stabilizers, and talk therapy but nothing seemed to work. Carrie’s dear friend, and studio owner, Nicole Suchevits, gently suggested she try yoga, but Carrie did not feel ready. Two years later Carrie repeatedly claims yoga changed her life.

When I asked her why she finally decided to try yoga, she said it was on a girl’s trip to celebrate several of her friends turning fifty. She moaned as she described waking up every morning to her friends bouncing out of bed, ready to seize the day, when all she wanted to do was seize her pillow and go back to sleep. On the last day, one of her friends suggested they each share something they were proud of about themselves. After all, many of them had recently turned fifty and it was a big milestone. Carrie’s heart raced as she ransacked her brain for something to share. Finally, when it was her turn, she burst into tears. She didn’t feel proud. She felt guilt, sadness, anger, embarrassment, and exhaustion. However, as she allowed herself to face these emotions, she began to feel something else, relief. One by one, Carrie’s friends shared why they were proud of her, that moment being one of them. She marveled at how easily they came up with compliments, and even more importantly, how they saw a very different person than what Carrie saw in herself. She realized in that moment something needed to change. Starting with her perception of herself. Over the next few months, and with much support from her friends and family, she took small steps that reaped big rewards, and so began her love of yoga.

As I listen to Carrie retell her story, her voice suddenly becomes low, “I remember you,” she says to me.  “Our daughters were on the same soccer team in high school, and I used to sit behind you and your friends in the stadium.” I think back to those moments and admit that I did not remember Carrie, not until she first walked through the yoga studio’s door two years ago. She went on to say how she fabricated stories about what I, and my friends, must be saying about her. She glanced at her hands, then looked back at me with hurt in her eyes. Not because I didn’t remember her, but because she had created stories that weren’t true and then believed them.  I knew only too well what that was like, because I had done it myself.

This is a very common human behavior referred to as projection, and we all do it. We project what we might feel or believe onto another person. Carrie might have felt insecure about herself, but I did not know this, and in no way shared it with my friends. She said over the years she had come up with many negative thoughts and stories about herself, which, to her, felt very true and real, only to later realize that they were not true. Yoga theory describes this process as “the veil of illusion.” We create a different reality in our minds than what is happening in the moment. Our perception becomes tainted with memories or experiences from our past, which shroud reality, or what is occurring in the moment. Yoga helps us to be in the moment, and the more we are in the moment, the less we are in our heads. Eventually, we are able to take this skill off the mat, thereby being more present and aware in our daily lives.

In his book, A New Earth, Eckart Tolle recounts sitting at a park bench, by a pond, when he suddenly witnessed two ducks attack one another. As they eventually separated, Tolle noticed something curious. They flapped their wings vigorously and went on about their business. It was as if they shook the negative energy right out of their systems. However, humans are quite different. We tend to rehash events, thereby getting even more upset, or past impressions influence how we feel in the present moment. Ducks do not hold grudges nor are they influenced by old drama. They shake it off and move on. Fortunately, people can adopt the same ability to release unwanted emotions in what is referred to as bottom-up processing. Bottom-up processing focuses on interpreting sensory information in real time (Gibson, 1966). Bessel Van Der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, claims that the bottom-up approach, such as yoga, mindfulness, breathwork, and body-oriented therapies, help ground the individual in the present moment and promote awareness of bodily sensations, thereby allowing the release of stored trauma.

When Nicole first suggested Carrie try yoga, her response was a resounding NO. Not only did she claim to not like yoga, but Carrie said she was inflexible, or rather “a tinman.” This is a common misconception, but opening and strengthening the physical body are only part of the experience. Yoga has the unique ability to move energy. Through breath, movement, mantra, mudra and other applications, yoga can lift, expand, ground, calm, and yes, release unwanted energy. Eventually, Carrie started taking restorative yoga, which gave her the space and time to release and let go. As she retells the story about her first time, she shyly admits to crying in class. “It was as if the teacher was talking directly to me,” she remembers, feeling moved. Like the ducks shaking their wings Carrie was releasing years of stored emotions.

Now, when Carrie comes to yoga, she has a twinkle in her eyes. Even when she’s not feeling great, she doesn’t have the added weight of her past suffering. Furthermore, she feels a tremendous amount of gratitude for her life, especially sunsets. “I love them,” she gushes sharing a photo of a brilliant sky with spectacular hues of pink, orange and yellow. As I look at the photo, I am reminded of a quote, “Every sunset is an opportunity to reset. Every sunrise begins with new eyes.” Carrie definitely has new, clearer vision.

(Carrie would like to express her gratitude and love to Nicole and all her wonderful teachers at 360 Yoga.)

While yoga is a wonderful tool for your body and mind, please seek immediate care if you or a family member or friend is suicidal, do not leave him or her alone. Get help immediately from an emergency room, physician, or mental health professional. Take seriously any comments about suicide or wishing to die. Even if you do not believe your family member or friend to attempt suicide, the person is clearly in distress and can benefit from your help in receiving mental health treatment

The Power of Energy

Lucia, one of my regular yoga students recently walked into the studio and said to me, “I love you!” She laughed at her sudden burst of affection and followed up with, “Maybe I shouldn’t say that, but I don’t know how else to say it.” My heart swelled. She went on to say how she and her best friend used to hold hands when they were little. She remarked how easy it is to show our love and affection when we are young and less so as we get older. “Loving someone shouldn’t be so hard,” she remarked. I agreed one thousand percent. As I took in Lucia, her brownish gold shoulder length hair, her tiny smile lines, the sparkle in her eyes I was struck by the difference between her “now self” and her “post-surgery self” four years ago.

Lucia is originally from Romania and has a Master’s Degree in Energy Production and Nuclear Engineering. She came to Illinois after receiving a research grant for a Nuclear Reactor Operator at the University of Illinois in Urbana Champaign.  After her stint in Urbana, she went onto to do the same work in Braceville, IL. It was here where she suddenly collapsed from a brain aneurysm five years ago. Lucia was immediately taken to St. Joseph hospital and underwent an emergency craniotomy where titanium coils were used to seal the opening of an artery in her brain. The scientist in her marveled at what the surgeons were able to do, “Isn’t science unbelievable!” she exclaimed with childlike enthusiasm. I was still marveling at the fact that she was a Nuclear Engineer when all I could remember from Chemistry class was a joke our teacher made, and it had nothing to do with Chemistry.

Lucia did not realize how drastically her life would change. She could no longer drive long distances or drive at night, due to photophobia or a sensitivity to light (a common condition after a traumatic brain injury). Where once she had a demanding job, charged with making difficult decisions, now she had difficulty focusing on everyday tasks leaving her exhausted and in need of breaks throughout the day. “It was very hard to accept the idea of losing my job,” says Lucia, though she is thankful to be alive and feels a stronger force is at play.

She found 360 Studios quite by accident. Or not. She was on her way to the groomer, with her dog Oliver, when she noticed the sign for 360 Studios. “I don’t know what drew me to it,” she said, maybe it was that her balance was off, or maybe it was something bigger, but she felt compelled to call the Yoga studio. She spoke with Nicole, the owner, and was assured she would be in good hands. Her first teacher was a retired nurse and this put her at ease. A little. In addition to the stent and titanium coils in her brain she was on blood pressure medication to increase blood flow. While hopeful yoga might help with balance, she still had lots of questions and concerns. Would the classes be too hot or too strenuous? Would she have to go upside down? Nicole assured her that the teachers would give her modifications and encouraged her to try a few of our gentler classes. It was evident that Lucia was still plenty nervous, but eventually she started to come. In fact, she started to come every day and quickly felt its effects. She started with Restorative Yoga, then moved onto Gentle Yoga, then Hatha Vinyasa and finally Yoga Sculpt. Four years later it is not uncommon to see Lucia taking two classes a day, sometimes three!

Lucia constantly remarks that yoga saved her life, and it is not just the physical strides she has made, but the emotional and mental strides as well. When Lucia started at 360, she was nervous, not just about yoga but everything! She would come into the studio voicing her concerns about the world, and believe me, there was plenty to voice. But overtime, I witnessed less and less of these concerns. In fact, lately I have noticed how happy Lucia is when she comes to class, spreading her joy with hugs and proclamations of love.

While Lucia no longer works as a nuclear engineer, she still works with energy, subtle energy. A vital energy that is within us and that which we can change, expand or move through yoga. As the Himalayan Institute points out, “similar to how Western science has mapped the physical body, the yogis and masters of the East created an equally detailed map of the subtle and energy bodies.” And the change in subtle energy is quite visible in Lucia, in fact, she radiates it. But don’t take my word for it, take hers, “360 is a magical place for me,” she says, “a place of love, energy and hope.” I agree with her one thousand percent.

Strong Back Soft Front

I am an overthinker. My friend once sent me a meme that read, “Let me overthink this.” When I went to buy some throw pillows she said, “You know the store closes at 9pm.” It was noon. After thinking about this tendency (okay overthinking!) I decided I needed to get to the root of the problem. Enter lack of confidence. My inability to make a decision was a direct result of my inability to trust myself. If you’ve taken my class lately, you may have noticed poses like Star Pose, Warrior Three or Half Moon. These poses are called power poses. They expand our energy outward or upward. But there are other poses beneficial in building confidence… backbends.

Backbends are tricky. I cannot remember the last time I did a deep backbend. I have a cranky low back and a sore neck from years of overuse. There is more movement in the neck and low back therefore these places are more prone to injury. The midback, which contains the ribcage to protect important organs such as the heart and lungs, is less bendy and precisely where we need to strengthen and open. Constantly hunching over our computers and phones only exacerbates the problem by tightening the pectoral muscles. But that is not the only reason why backbends are tricky. They can trigger stuff.

After listening to the podcast Archetypes, with Meghan Markle, I decided to revisit these energetic buggers, I mean, bends. Markle was interviewing one of my favorite meditation teachers, Dr. Tara Brach, on how to change the way we think. Dr. Brach mentioned a concept that caught my attention, a strong back and a soft front (a phrase she learned from Buddhist teacher, Joan Halifax). A strong back and a soft front is the ability to stay open and present to what is happening in the moment. Brene Brown, explains this concept beautifully as holding tension between two opposing feelings such as tough and tender or grit and grace or brave and scared. In yoga, this practice is referred to as sthira and sukha or effort and ease. The root stha means “to stand” or “to be firm.” The root su “good” and kha “space” literally mean the good space, which I like to think of as the heart. Essentially, standing firm with an open heart.

However, maintaining these opposing forces can be difficult, especially when holding a pose for several breaths or remaining compassionate and fully present in the heat of an argument. We may have a strong urge to pull away from the person or challenge. This conditioning keeps us stuck, just like my inability to make a decision because of the fear that something will go wrong. (Even something as insignificant as the wrong throw pillows!) These tendencies and limiting beliefs keep us contracted and closed off, not only from ourselves but others. Brene Brown, well-known for her research on vulnerability, explains that “our deepest human need is to be seen by other people so if we are all armored up we can’t be seen.”

Vulnerability is at the core of having a soft front. If you’ve ever done a backbend and felt a rush of emotion or adrenaline, it is because two things are happening, you are stimulating your adrenal glands (responsible for regulating your response to stress), and you are exposing your heart. The next time you are in a yoga class, notice your initial reaction after a strong backbend, which perfectly demonstrates these opposing forces. And by all means keep your core activated and focus on your upper back muscles. While your reaction may be to quickly counter the backbend with a forward bend, pause and go easy. Not only is this healthier for the spine, but it allows the opportunity to observe what is coming up before pulling away. If you find that backbends cannot be safely done, try side bends which provide a similar energetic effect.

The beauty of yoga is its ability to mirror our life experiences. When we can change our habits on the mat, we can more easily change our habits off the mat. What may seem like a Herculean effort, a strong backbend or remaining compassionate in a heated discussion, will eventually become easier as new neural pathways become stronger, as well as your back! And as these changes become easier, give yourself a pat on your strong back and a gentle hand to your soft heart, for not only strengthening and opening your body, but also your mind.

Fight, Flight, or Freeze...then Dance

This year I had completely forgotten about the Oscars until our daughter texted me a pic of Timothée Chalamet’s “bold, but very good, choice” in outfits from the red carpet. I suddenly regretted getting rid of our cable, not because I needed to see Chalamet’s bold (aka shirtless) outfit, but because I loved the yearly ritual with our daughters, even if this year it would have to be via phone. After trying to figure out how to stream the Oscars, I finally gave up and told our daughter to text me the highlights of the evening. I was happy to learn Troy Kotsur, who played the father on CODA won best actor (watch it for the best tear-jerker scene ever!) and Jessica Chastain best actress for her wonderful portrayal of Tammy Faye. After our daughter sent me a pic of her favorite dress, a beautiful black sheath, worn by newcomer Rachel Zegler from West Side Story, I decided it was time to settle into bed when one final text came through with a loud PING! I couldn’t help wondering if the text was more urgent then a fabulous dress and glanced at the phone before putting it on ‘do not disturb’ mode. The text read, and then this happened. I have to admit I was intrigued, but sleep was beckoning me and I knew if I went down that rabbit hole it would cause a domino effect where I would start googling something that would lead to googling something else, that would lead to googling something else and an hour later I’d still be awake and completely wired after having educated myself on all the actors, what they wore to the Oscars, what they ate for breakfast, the weather in California, and where to plan our next vacation. I put down the phone and hoped the possibility of sleep hadn’t totally evaded me.

In the morning, after pouring a cup of coffee, I remembered the intriguing text and decided to find out what, and then this happened, meant. I clicked on a link of a video clip involving the host, Chris Rock, and Will Smith. I couldn’t quite make sense of what I was seeing. As I’d predicted, I started going down the Internet rabbit hole googling Will Smith and the Oscars, reading one opinion piece after another, until I had had my fill and wasn’t feeling particularly good about it either.

In yoga, there is a term Samana Vayu, which is the energetic force, or “winds,” governing our third chakra or solar plexus. It is charged with the task of assimilating, not only food and liquid, but also our thoughts and emotions. The Samana Vayu helps us process what we need and eliminate what we don’t need. It is our spring-cleaning system, if you will. After taking in a fair amount of information about Will Smith and the Oscars, I needed to process what I’d just read. I asked myself, “what is really happening here?” It was easy to react to the situation, kind of like Will Smith reacting to Chris Rock, but less easy to stop and digest the information. I read a thread of comments from a news source that read more like bottled-up anger, fear, sadness, frustration and confusion. I didn’t get the sense people were pausing and reflecting, “why did Will Smith react this way?” Or “was there more to the story than what we saw?” Or, perhaps, the more important question, “why do I feel this way?” What I did sense, was that people were venting stored away emotions from the past few years (or even a lifetime ago). Unfortunately, the Oscar debacle is just one more incident of how disconnected we have become, not only from ourselves, but those around us. Whether it is in ranting about the incidient, questioning if it was real or defending Will Smith.

We have all reacted poorly to a situation and regretted doing or saying something, but it isn’t always a bad thing, especially if we are willing to apologize and learn something new about ourselves. There is a Zen saying that the further you push down a floating cork the higher it will pop back up. I have seen this in myself, and on one particular occasion, this said cork just about gave me a black eye! I was having a heated argument (okay shouting match) with my husband and I blurted out a stream of hurtful comments. Instead of saying my husband’s name, I said my name and, in that instant, I knew I was talking to myself not my husband. I could’ve ignored it, hoped he hadn’t heard the mistake, but it was my chance to look at that proverbial cork and see what I was pushing down, and fortunately, it has lead to an improved relationship with myself and all those around me, especially my husband.

In the past few years, we have endured a lifetime of events. These events have challenged us physically, socially, politically, emotionally, and spiritually. As we attempt to process what has happened, or still happening, we have had the chance to take a good look at ourselves (and others). This look has caused friendships to be forged and friendships to be lost, relationships to end or relationships to begin, familial ties to strengthen or familial ties to weaken. And it would be nice to have universally agreed upon answers, something firm to hold onto or a script to use to help navigate this shaky ground, but there isn’t. However, there are ways we can ease the collective trauma we have all experienced.

Even though processing information is great, sometimes the trauma stays stuck in the body. Gabrielle Bernstein writes in her new book, Happy Days, how insidious trauma is and how often we ignore it and pretend we are okay. She explains how while we may not have experienced big trauma with a capital T, we have all experienced small trauma with a little t; being bullied, feeling humilated, ignored, losing a pet, or a friendship. If we don’t “dishcarge or resolve” the trauma it remains active and alive in our bodies, often leading to a host of physical symptoms ranging from depression and anxiety to gastrointestinal issues or back pain (and many more). Bernstein recommends several different types of healing modalities, in addition to talk therapy, such as EMDR, Somatic Experiencing, and other body-oriented practices designed to release trauma and connect us to our bodies so that we may connect more easily to those around us. And if there’s anything we all could use right now it’s a little connection. (For more information on healing modalities go to DearGabby.com/HappyResources.)

The other day my husband showed me a Tik Tok video of a couple in an improv dance competition. Unlike most dance competitions, this one involved coming up with a dance routine to a random song with a random dance partner. Take a moment to process this scenario, and imagine what this might look like (or go ahead and google it. The dance is lead and follow improv to Glass Animal’s song "gooey” @kyleswingsarah). The music starts, the couple joins hands, and as each moment unfolds they do their best to, well, connect. After my husband and I watched the video, we had tears in our eyes. There was something beautiful about two strangers coming together with different dance backgrounds doing their best to both lead and follow without disrupting the overall harmony of the dance.

I believe there is a cosmic dance we are all supposed to figure out. Every person or interaction provides us an opportunity to learn something new about ourselves. Sometimes, we learn that, hey, I’m a pretty good dancer, or other times we learn that we need to stop stepping on our partner’s toes. We’ve had a lot thrown at us over the past few years and we have been pushed to our limits, but what if we could stop pushing each other around and instead let our interactions be more about learning, taking turns, respecting each other’s choices, and having a little fun in the process? I sure would’ve preferred seeing Will Smith and Chris Rock dance it out rather than duke it out. In fact, not only would it have been more entertaining (I mean who doesn’t love dancing with the stars?), it would’ve been more effective in releasing pent up energy.

So, next time you are feeling the effects of an argument or challenging situation, process the situation in your mind, but don’t forget to process it in your body as well. Everyone is familiar with the saying Fight, Flight or Freeze, but perhaps it needs to be Fight, Flight, or Freeze…then Dance (move, shake, tremble). And then you can slap your partner…on the back, for a job well done.

Give 'em the Pickle

Today I had a conversation with a woman who is interested in taking our upcoming teacher training. We had breakfast as I explained how the focus of our training will be about personal growth. I went on to give her an example of my own run in with growth, just yesterday. I explained my story of ranting at an AT&T agent and she said the situation reminded her of an important phrase she had learned during a customer service training, just "give 'em the pickle."

You see, AT&T had turned off our WiFi because we hadn't paid our bill. I was convinced we had (um…we hadn’t) and began to rant at the AT&T agent. Didn’t he know our daughter was doing e-learning!? Didn’t he know she couldn’t login to class!? The shriller I got, the calmer he got.

He used my name frequently and apologized profusely (of course, I should’ve been the one apologizing for being a nut case). He had given me a “pickle” which was simply listening to me. I did not pay for the pickle, I certainly didn’t deserve the pickle, but he gave it to me anyway. Eventually, I didn’t feel like yelling anymore. After what seemed like an hour, we were best buds. I apologized for yelling and losing my cool. He admitted times were tough and it was normal. He too, lost his cool over e-learning. His daughter was ten. It seemed we were in the same boat. I asked him where he was from. He replied, the Philippines. I pondered this. It was 2am for him. Yet I was the one complaining.

I did a little research on my new favorite phrase. Bob Farrell, a successful restauratuer and public speaker, coined the term, 'give 'em the pickle'. In other words, a gesture of kindness. Farrell wanted his customers to walk away happier than when they came. His mission...to serve others. The olive branch, the AT&T customer agent extended to me, was all it took to melt the ice between us, the ocean between us. Suddenly, we were on the same side. Experiencing the same struggle, together.

I wish I could say I regret reacting poorly, but I don’t. Because I was reminded of a valuable lesson, or two, to be kind over being right and the power of equanimity (and the best phrase ever). This lovely person, who extended his humanity to me, can feel good at the end of the day (or morning) for, excuse the pun, remaining calm as a cucumber.

A love of the game

Today, while playing tennis with my husband, I noticed a father come onto the court, next to us, with his two small children. When I say small, I mean small. The tennis racquet they carried between them was as big as they were.

I was six years old when I played my first tournament. I remember my coach trying to explain how to keep score minutes before I went onto the court. Nervous, with a hundred eyes on me (okay maybe ten), I felt like a real tennis player. Until I had an opportunity for an overhead shot, which I completely missed. The spectators laughed and I felt utterly ashamed. What had been fun, suddenly became not fun. I had, in earnest, attempted a tricky shot and it ended badly. Not because I had missed the shot completely, but because I felt humiliated. I am sure not a single parent meant to offend me, nor my coach, whom I adored. I was a beginner, but I had put pressure on myself to make a shot which was, excuse the pun, over my head.

I recently took the Science of Well-being Course (otherwise known as the Happiness Course) through Yale University, the most popular course in Yale history (600,000 downloads in March). While the course had many excellent tips, one of the tips was to keep a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset. When I lead teacher trainings our first lecture is on maintaining a ‘beginner’s mind’ or a ‘growth mindset’. We discuss the perils of falling into expert mode and how, not only does it prevent us from learning, but it’s stressful.

As I continued to watch the father with his two kids, I marveled at how much fun they were having. The father was relaxed and his kids were joyful. After twenty minutes of running around the court, squealing with laughter, they left. Not a single tennis ball was hit. Instead the kids had run around on the tennis court with their racquet and a newfound love of the game. It seemed that was all their dad was teaching them that day, a love of the game. Maybe they’d be curious enough next outing to use the tennis racquet, and yet maybe they’d just run around laughing again.

By Jill Griffiths

200 hour teacher training coming February 2021!