I’m sitting with Carrie Riker at Starbucks. We just took a new class at 360 called Roll and Renew, where we literally rolled over yoga tune up balls to massage our achy muscles and fascia. As we sip our coffees, we marvel at the little tune up balls ability to make us feel, well, renewed. It was Carrie’s idea to meet after class. She didn’t want to miss her morning yoga. A stark difference from pre-yoga Carrie who struggled to get out of bed in the morning, due to years of anxiety and depression. She had been taking a combination of anti-depressants, anti-anxiety medication, mood stabilizers, and talk therapy but nothing seemed to work. Carrie’s dear friend, and studio owner, Nicole Suchevits, gently suggested she try yoga, but Carrie did not feel ready. Two years later Carrie repeatedly claims yoga changed her life.
When I asked her why she finally decided to try yoga, she said it was on a girl’s trip to celebrate several of her friends turning fifty. She moaned as she described waking up every morning to her friends bouncing out of bed, ready to seize the day, when all she wanted to do was seize her pillow and go back to sleep. On the last day, one of her friends suggested they each share something they were proud of about themselves. After all, many of them had recently turned fifty and it was a big milestone. Carrie’s heart raced as she ransacked her brain for something to share. Finally, when it was her turn, she burst into tears. She didn’t feel proud. She felt guilt, sadness, anger, embarrassment, and exhaustion. However, as she allowed herself to face these emotions, she began to feel something else, relief. One by one, Carrie’s friends shared why they were proud of her, that moment being one of them. She marveled at how easily they came up with compliments, and even more importantly, how they saw a very different person than what Carrie saw in herself. She realized in that moment something needed to change. Starting with her perception of herself. Over the next few months, and with much support from her friends and family, she took small steps that reaped big rewards, and so began her love of yoga.
As I listen to Carrie retell her story, her voice suddenly becomes low, “I remember you,” she says to me. “Our daughters were on the same soccer team in high school, and I used to sit behind you and your friends in the stadium.” I think back to those moments and admit that I did not remember Carrie, not until she first walked through the yoga studio’s door two years ago. She went on to say how she fabricated stories about what I, and my friends, must be saying about her. She glanced at her hands, then looked back at me with hurt in her eyes. Not because I didn’t remember her, but because she had created stories that weren’t true and then believed them. I knew only too well what that was like, because I had done it myself.
This is a very common human behavior referred to as projection, and we all do it. We project what we might feel or believe onto another person. Carrie might have felt insecure about herself, but I did not know this, and in no way shared it with my friends. She said over the years she had come up with many negative thoughts and stories about herself, which, to her, felt very true and real, only to later realize that they were not true. Yoga theory describes this process as “the veil of illusion.” We create a different reality in our minds than what is happening in the moment. Our perception becomes tainted with memories or experiences from our past, which shroud reality, or what is occurring in the moment. Yoga helps us to be in the moment, and the more we are in the moment, the less we are in our heads. Eventually, we are able to take this skill off the mat, thereby being more present and aware in our daily lives.
In his book, A New Earth, Eckart Tolle recounts sitting at a park bench, by a pond, when he suddenly witnessed two ducks attack one another. As they eventually separated, Tolle noticed something curious. They flapped their wings vigorously and went on about their business. It was as if they shook the negative energy right out of their systems. However, humans are quite different. We tend to rehash events, thereby getting even more upset, or past impressions influence how we feel in the present moment. Ducks do not hold grudges nor are they influenced by old drama. They shake it off and move on. Fortunately, people can adopt the same ability to release unwanted emotions in what is referred to as bottom-up processing. Bottom-up processing focuses on interpreting sensory information in real time (Gibson, 1966). Bessel Van Der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, claims that the bottom-up approach, such as yoga, mindfulness, breathwork, and body-oriented therapies, help ground the individual in the present moment and promote awareness of bodily sensations, thereby allowing the release of stored trauma.
When Nicole first suggested Carrie try yoga, her response was a resounding NO. Not only did she claim to not like yoga, but Carrie said she was inflexible, or rather “a tinman.” This is a common misconception, but opening and strengthening the physical body are only part of the experience. Yoga has the unique ability to move energy. Through breath, movement, mantra, mudra and other applications, yoga can lift, expand, ground, calm, and yes, release unwanted energy. Eventually, Carrie started taking restorative yoga, which gave her the space and time to release and let go. As she retells the story about her first time, she shyly admits to crying in class. “It was as if the teacher was talking directly to me,” she remembers, feeling moved. Like the ducks shaking their wings Carrie was releasing years of stored emotions.
Now, when Carrie comes to yoga, she has a twinkle in her eyes. Even when she’s not feeling great, she doesn’t have the added weight of her past suffering. Furthermore, she feels a tremendous amount of gratitude for her life, especially sunsets. “I love them,” she gushes sharing a photo of a brilliant sky with spectacular hues of pink, orange and yellow. As I look at the photo, I am reminded of a quote, “Every sunset is an opportunity to reset. Every sunrise begins with new eyes.” Carrie definitely has new, clearer vision.
(Carrie would like to express her gratitude and love to Nicole and all her wonderful teachers at 360 Yoga.)
While yoga is a wonderful tool for your body and mind, please seek immediate care if you or a family member or friend is suicidal, do not leave him or her alone. Get help immediately from an emergency room, physician, or mental health professional. Take seriously any comments about suicide or wishing to die. Even if you do not believe your family member or friend to attempt suicide, the person is clearly in distress and can benefit from your help in receiving mental health treatment
